This is it

( It took this picture in California. Everything is going to be a-okay!)

This past year would have been considered unfathomable to my prior self. Call off my own wedding? There is no way I would ever get myself into a situation where I was about to marry someone I was miserable with while trying to convince myself that I was happy. I'm way to smart, level-headed, and in-tune for that to happen. Falsity #1. And heaven forbid I end up living at home for months, unemployed and single with absolutely no direction of where to go (except out!). No way, I'm way too ambitious, driven, independent, and again smart, for that. I kicked trash in college, keeping my scholarship, while working, and having a TON of fun with all my awesome roommates and from time to time, guys I was dating, not to mention the internships I did to give me an extra umpf. Believing that I was above this horror is big Falsity #2.

However, going through the first fearful situation has helped me handle my second feared situation. What really stirred my desire to write this post was stumbling across ablogaboutlove.com. I read the entire thing after finding it, and honestly, it has filled me with hope and joy and a desire to be even better and happier. So many of the things they have to say are things I've learned this past year and are truths I want to hold onto forever.

After my fiancee and I called off our wedding I fell pretty hard. While I tried to use healthy coping habits like exercise, prayer, moving out of my parents, going to social activities, etc, the truth was I was not happy. I felt dead. I lost all ambition and drive. Things that normally get me excited, like travel, weren't even cutting it. I even had a break from food, and we usually are super close. I would come home from work and lie in bed until the tears ran out. But the worst was when I let myself doubt my testimony of the gospel. I still remember that moment. Parked outside the temple, I purposefully decided to let myself doubt it all. It was suddenly like I had been sucked into a vacuum. Everything I had known vanished from my life. My relationships were meaningless. There was no purpose. I imagined doing all those things I denied myself, alcohol, partying, promiscuity; things that tempted me (don't tell me they aren't temptations). You know what. I didn't like it. I felt disgusting and worthless. So I decided that I couldn't live a life without the gospel, it is truly the one source of happiness in my life, and although somehow my testimony was much much weaker than I thought, I was going to build it back up.

So I started with square one. What do I know? I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I repeated it over and over to myself. From there I built up. If he loves me what does that mean? It means he's not going to leave me hanging, it means this is not going to last forever, it means I will find good out of this experience. It means he sent me a Savior who suffered through this same pain just for me, who made it possible for me to come back from mistakes, and possible to be reunited with my loving Heavenly Father and my family. It means he has sent me prophets and scriptures, and leaders, and incredible parents, siblings and friends that will help me get through this and onto the better things. And it was all true.

So, when feared situation #2 came along (unemployment and eventually basement dwelling), I thought no sweat! If I got through THAT, I can get through this. Of course now that it's dragged on for an incredible four months, and I've been at my parents for more than half of that, I've started to sweat. Why haven't I figured it all out yet? Haven't I learned my lesson? I've tried to practice patience, and what I believe is one of the most important things we can learn on Earth-being happy even when your situation sucks. This is where Mara and Danny's blog comes in. They have both seemed to conquer this life changing skill through their own share of adversities and crap. I want that. That is what I've sought after through these past four months, even though I do not understand why I still don't have a plan. Or why things I wanted before don't seem right anymore, even though I can't fully let go, and I can't fully replace it with anything else either. It is frustrating, but I have fought to not become frustrated. Surprisingly, the hardest part about doing this is fearing what others will think if I am happy while being in this situation. I feel like have to show frustration for fear they will think I enjoy being unemployed and living at home. But this is just another anxiety that is holding me back from finding true joy.

I've come to feel incredibly grateful for the strength given me to call off my wedding, and I've started to even appreciate having to go through all of that pain. I hope that what I've learned will help me become a better wife when that time comes, and until then just a better and stronger person. I hope sharing this brings you a little bit of hope too.